Forgiveness?

It’s the first card I pulled from the Reclaim Oracle and my first internal reaction, “are you fucking KIDDING me?!?!”

Awesome. I’m opening up to a new journey of dealing with my childhood trauma so that I can help others heal and this cheeky mother fucker walks right in the door like, Hey girl-How YOU doin’?

Fuck you forgiveness. Fuck you. I’m not there yet. (Big sigh, taking a breath….opening up….what is the message?)

Why is it when I see or hear that word coming at me as a guide, I immediately think of my abuser? Do I really think that my wounds hurt so much because I haven’t forgiven? I forgave so many people in my life-people that were supposed to give me a safe space, people that were suppose to care of me when I was young-people that I didn’t have to forgive and let back in my life but I DID> BUT.NOT.THAT.ONE!!!!

Still, why is this person the first one that enters my mind? Am I looking at it from the wrong angle-is there forgivenss that needs to be awarded in regards to that abuse but not so much to that person?

Oh. Could it be that I am supposed to fogive myself for NOT forgiving him? OR for realizing that the years and years of forgetting and pretending and loving him anyway-because I didn’t remember HALF of this shit that he did-was more than he deserved? — but maybe somewhere I feel guilty for not giving MYSELF the gift of fogiveness? Because they say it only eats at us and us alone? Maybe if I really do forgive, it won’t hurt as bad? I seriously doubt it though, I doubt that smiling and shrugging my shoulders like, “Hey-its cool, its over with now.” is going to take away the scars or even make me fond of seeing those when they come up.

No, I don’t forgive him- he should have kept me safe. He was ALL THAT I HAD for so long and what he did was teach me to fear being alone, fear being in the dark, fear strangers, fear affection, fear intimacy, fear EVERYTHING and it has taken me decades to try to move past it-only for new memories to surface, for nightmares to begin to take more shape and a body response to that past stress that I have to wake up to every fucking morning.

No, I don’t offer him forgiveness….but I guess that maybe I have to forgive myself for that decision? Maybe it’ll come in time? Maybe I’ll reach a point in my life where I don’t need to keep up that defensive wall anymore? Why would I want that? I am so fucking tired of this weight. I am so fucking tired of abusers going without punishment or even being made to -okay, he did admit it. One drunken night when I was 16, he did cry his eyes out about it and it WRECKED me to see him hurt so bad. But that was before these other memories surfaced-but do I need to keep revisiting it? Do I need him to really acknowledg each incident? I don’t want to talk to him about it, I don’t want to see his face, I don’t trust his words and I have never-even as an adult, felt safe around him. I always pushed through it though becaue like I said, for so long-he was all I had that felt like family. He was all I had and he broke my innocence. He broke my trust in a world that was already so fucked up. I can’t fogive that. I just can’t. Sometimes I think about what its like to be him, to wake up and look in the mirror and know what he did. Know what kind of person that makes him. Compassion still rises in me when I remember the really good days-when we were with other people and not alone in the dark, when other friends were around or when I was older and it was far behind us and forgotten. Those were good times. Those were some of the happiest childhood memories that I have, when I allow myself to remember anyway.

There it is. I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for still holding space for the better parts of him, for the good memories — the day I hit my first home run and he carried me all the way home on his back, shouting to everyone that I just hit my first home run and he couldnt wait to tell our parents. For the love of music that he gave me, for showing up that day-without hesitation when he was the only one that I could call. For his jokes and for his letters when he went to boot camp-always with a S.O.D-a song of the day that he wanted me to hear for the first time.

I fogive myself, because I will always, always love him.

And sometimes, I really miss him.

I can forgive myself for that, even if its just for today.